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So I'm in a new job. That is, not a new new one, just the new one that I told you about over the last couple of months. An old new job if you like. Or not really, as that would imply that there is a new new one, but there isn't. So it's just a new job specifically with respect to my last job, not with respect to this paragraph. Okay? Is that clear? I'd prefer not to have people write and ask about this, it's tedious to say the least to have to explain yourself to people who call themselves firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com
So what is the first thing you do in a new job? You try to get access to the system, that's what. Now, how many people do you think a large company (many thousands) have joining every month? 10% turnover a year is probably typical, so lets say 12,000 in the company, which makes 1200 new employees a year, or one hundred every month. Of course they all do different things, need different access to different projects. But there is some commonality, and even 10 a month should be enough to make for a standardized joining process. So you would think! But, apparently, the concept of streamlining the process for getting newly joining employees into the system is one that passed by PrettyBigCo, the new company I've joined.
I had a new joiner's induction, in which there were probably 30 other new people joining too (they do them every week). The induction told me all sorts of things. All about the building's security, fire and other warning systems, evacuation points, my responsibilities, perks and privileges, etc, etc, etc. A half a day of induction! I've never had a half a day of induction before for a job - it was an interesting, and at the same time boring, experience. Of course I did the usual things, you know, you doodle, you see if you can pick your nose without anyone noticing, you look intently at the person standing up in front delivering the current talk, and try to imagine them with all their clothes off. Sadly, I have a particularly good imagination which means that some of the speakers left me shuddering with a hope that the next speaker would perhaps have undergone stomach stapling or liposuction. A good imagination is not necessarily a blessing, let me tell you.
Finally, it was off to my section and time to try and get on the system. Man oh man, was that a pain. It was like 20 requests over the first week to get to the stage where I could work usefully under my own login. In addition, due to a lack of space, they gave me someone's desk who was off for the day. A different someone almost every day. My first week consisted of "where do I sit today" and "what is the next request form I need to fill out". Streamlined workflow is exactly what this was not.
Of course I got to meet my team. I've got two guys I'll be managing. One was a charming Irish bloke who's clearly kissed the Blarney Stone, he had me eating out of his hand within minutes - and you all know I'm an old cynic so that's pretty impressive. I may as well call him BlarneyStone. The other, well I can see I'm going to have a good few arguments with him. "Hello", was his first words to me, "you must be the the new representative of the bourgeoisie here to oppress the proletariat". I've decided to call him RedLenin.
Javva The Hutt.
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